3: a pearl

There's a grain of shame

it has been growing in me.

I smooth it over.

I don't want to talk about wh I don't know why there is an ever rolling ball of shame in me. It has been there since I was little, it's my default setting.

I feel shame and guilt over dumb things like not preforming simple domestic tasks, double dipping, playing videogames, my life choices that not everybody is happy with, e a t i n g.

I feel ashamed of my body, my stress eating habits or my anorexic tendencies. Every day I get to pick two or three of those.

I then make some time to feel ashamed of my career and anxiety to please and my fear of missing out. My complete inability to say no and set boundaries.

I feel shame and guilt over having stopped talking to friends I don't miss.

 I feel guilty over feeling guilty all the time, because I know I deserve better. On and on the grain goes, until it's smooth and shiny.

Like a pearl, if you will.

I challenge the default shame I feel every day

some days better than others.

But when I am alone I can't help but to torment myself with all the ways people are disappointed in me. Which makes me quite disappointed in myself because I'm supposed to be over this.

A pearl in my head 

I roll around every night

just to watch it glow.