this fleeting youth

I feel it leaving my body
I feel it when I get sick
when I'm hangover
when I fall asleep early.

I see it in the crows wings beneath my eyes
as I walk it falls on the gravel of the road
It seeps through the window cracks
it slips through bed's wooden boards.


My clock is ticking.
I have to change
I have to grow up
I have to go out for expensive dinner on thursdays
I have to go to the office
I have to go every day
Everyday
I
have
to
do
the
same

But don't we all already spend all our time doing the same thing albeit modified by the different circumstances of every day? Aren't we being ourselves, repeating the patterns we think make us? I'm a reader, a drinker, a musician, a scientist...
What do you gain by following this career living path? The path of dedicating half your waking hours to an activity with the final goal of not having to do it anymore. Stability?
What a joke stability is. The promise that you can spend more time doing the same thing over and over... Attained by doing the same thing over and over.
What genius conditioning we have made for ourselves. Sometimes it bums me out. Maybe I just don't want to be myself 'cause it's shitty in here.

Can I be a bum?
I'm already bummed all the time.